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| Okay finally I'm pissed. A few nights ago ralph called me bitching at me about what I wrote in my space...GAH! Why he reads it I dont know, I mean I put feelings and shit in it. NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO BE BTICHED AT but because I want to get it out. | | |
| Well, I guess I screwed myself over again....Hear the word AGAIN in there.I once again got all these hopes up and plans ready for when I move. Changed this and that just so I dont have to do it when I get up there....HEH well it turns out that Jesse thinks that if I moved in now that we'd end up getting into fights and shit and he doesnt want that, which I do understand but does he honestly believe that i would do something? Cheat on him? What? I've told him I hate fights,that I had things finished like he asked me too. Perhaps he's compairing me to his ex's...that hurts if thats true more then he would know. I know I did that for awhile when we were first going out but not any more.I'm starting to give him my trust,which usually takes a hell of a lot longer to earn. *lets out a sigh then lowers her head* Maybe he doesnt think we'd make it like I believe it but whatever right? After I did what he said to get done a few weeks ago, getting ready to leave and to pack...Just to find out that I have to wait and he doesnt know how long,just watch ....He's going to forget,let go and move on with someone up there....Saves him all the trouble with me and autumn wouldnt that be funny,me getting another wonderful call from someone I love saying that he's found someone (which happened with a fience of mine). I mean this whole time I have been talking about living up there to everyone,getting my dreams again. Starting school,getting a job,tattooing, true happiness...you know. Now I have to wait for how ever long,its more or less up to him.I honestly doubt he's even slightly ready to settle down with a chick...ruins all the fun he could have being single and shit(drinking,parties,picking up chicks,sex sex sex and being free). He hasnt even found out if I can even move up there yet! Sometimes I wonder you know,what he is actually thinking about all of this. I mean down right thinking. I know he's afraid something will happen,afraid of autumn heh...But I keep telling him things,that I'm not like the others, that I dont want to hurt him,that I wont,that I'm going to be taking care of autumn (He doesnt have to) you know but I dont know how well the things I say stick. Usually people act like they're listening but they are not...Yeah..... Well, anyway he's leaving Monday. I'm glad he's getting his shit taking care of,he's a better person then I am. The sad thing is...I already cried today because of it...I'm weak I know it but I love him *shrugs* its not like I'm going to jump up and down because he's leaving,ya know. I'm probably going to be all depressed for a few days but that happens like last time he left heh. I just know that I'm going to be missing him, end up drawing a few emotional drawings while he is gone.They tend to be the best ones I do...V_V I wonder if its going to hurt him when he leaves,but he is a guy after all...usually they are like YAY! Who knows though...heh ya. Well, enough babbling I'm checking out for the night...Clear up the mind so I can start all over again tomorrow. | | |
| As the day pass I feel my gut hurt more...it burns now. Yet again acidreflux is coming, how do I know this because it happened to me about four years ago...Pills..fun fun...If it keeps up it will put a hole in my stumach then to the hospital I go...Sounds fun hu? What brings it?....Stress and only stress...Dont get it yet? I'm TO STRESSED OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!
I mean...I have to think about alot of shit. Read the following below...
- How in hell am I going go to the tech when there is no one to watch autumn other then me? Once again I remind others that I dont mind being the "woman of the house" cleaning everyday,doing dishes,washing cloths,doing the running and being a mother at the same time. BUT I doubt that is enough and I do want to go to the tech problem is I dont know if its the same way here...Where you can go in when you can and if you cant make it then its fine...Which would work better for me because when autumn is with her father I can be in class for the amount of days she is there.
- Ralph and the visitation rights...He already started complining about how he's not going to be able to come up to get her...I asked why... and he comes up with shit about how he doesnt want to be in the car with his brother for six hours. He knows I wont be able to come down when ever he wants to see her ,sadly I do plan on having a thing called A LIFE! If he doesnt come up then I guess he doesnt get to see her. Its not my responsibility to do things for him....
- Once again back to autumn and having no one to watch her. That means I cant work,which means I'm what I would like to say...a at home all the time person..*yawns* that is not what I want to be at all. I want to HELP with everything I can that does mean bills too. I dont know what to do about it...
- What would I do if Jesse dumps me? Where would I go to live if that does happen? If that did happen I would be totally lost because my family and him are whats keeping me going. Making me strive for things again unlike before with Ralph where I dint want to do anything...I dint feel that I was good enough you know. What would I do?
I do have other things that stress me out but these are the main ones.The big ones...I guess.....I dont know... | | |
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This is what I brought on,
I promised my heart,
This is what you can keep,
Just promise one thing,
Forget all of my pain.
This is what I brought on,
I promised my heart,
This is what you can keep,
Just promise one thing,
Forget all of my pain
Ever since I listened to them,
I turn and look away,
I can't take it any more!
They tell me lies,
They critizise,
They hold me down,
When will I get get redemption.
And when I try get away,
Laughing at the misery,
They push me back with all the stories,
Why wont they leave it all behind!
This is what I brought on,
I promised my heart,
This is what you can keep,
Just promise one thing,
Forget all of my pain
They pull into this wish of a fantasy,
My dreams crash I bet my life upon it,
and when I reach out they scream without a hope,
They wont let me go!
(let me scream whats left of me)
Let me scream whats left of me,
Screaming like I've got too,
Nothing screams like I do.
This is a fall,
This is a change.
This is what I brought on,
I promised my heart,
This is what you can keep,
Just promise one thing,
Forget all of my pain | | |
|  Well, I dont know what to think any more. My mind is at a standstill at the moment due to a few things which I really dont want to get into at the moment. I hate thinking shit all the time then hearing shit all over again from others. It troubles me badly. Its like no one wants me to actually be happy, to have no worries at all other then the normal ones, like what am I going to eat for lunch shit like that...
I just dont get it, I mean what have I done to get all this? I'm a nice person, I care about people most of the time more then I care about myself, I listen to their problems and try to help, I dont like fighting, I hate lieing and more...Right? I dont think I diserve it. | | |
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